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Sample Issue:
INTRODUCTION
Have a great weekend
Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
Franklin P. Jones (1853-1935)
It's Judy Johnson's birthday on Saturday
Happy Birthday Judy for tomorrow
Milton L. Kappert Sr.'s birthday is on Sunday
Happy Birthday Milton for Sunday
A man pacing back and forth glanced at his watch and yelled upstairs to his wife, "Honey, are you ready yet?"
Shouting back, the woman replies, "For crying out loud, I've been telling you for the last half hour that I'll be ready in a minute!
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TOMBSTONE SAYINGS
In a London, England cemetery:
Dec. 8, 1767
Here lies Ann Mann,
Who lived an old maid
But died an old Mann.
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Little Johnny was playing with his father's wallet when he accidently swallowed a quarter.
He went crying to him mom, choking on the quarter.
They took him to a doctor, who said that the quarter was impossible to remove without surgery, they consulted a specialist who was of the same opinion.
Then came a man who said he could get the money out in a jiffy.
He turned little Johnny upside down and patted him with great precision on the back of neck and, sure enough, the quarter rolled out.
Everyone was amazed, the father said "You must be an expert!"
The man replied, "No sir I'm just a tax collector."
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I pulled up to the drive-thru of a fast-food restaurant and ordered coffee.
I asked the clerk to put some ice cubes into the cup so that I could drink the cool coffee quickly.
At the window, There was a delay.
Finally, a teen-aged blonde girl came to the window
Looking frustrated, "I'm having a problem," she announced. . .
"The ice keeps melting."
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Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get
there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven ... don't
step on the ducks."
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the
place.
It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try
their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter
chains them together and says "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is
to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"
The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck, and along
comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another
extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment
as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for
all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She
manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St.
Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes
on. Very tall,
long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The woman remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you
for all of eternity?"
The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"
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The man looked a little worried when the doctor came in to
administer his annual physical, so the first thing the
doctor did was to ask whether anything was troubling him.
"Well, to tell the truth, Doc, yes," answered the patient.
"You see, I seem to be getting forgetful. No, it´s
actually worse than that. I´m never sure I can remember
where I put the car, or whether I answered a letter, or
where I´m going, or what it is I´m going to do once I get
there -- if I get there. So, I really need your help. What
can I do?"
The doctor mused for a moment, then answered in his kindest
tones,
"Pay me in advance."
I would like to be reminded of your birthday each year using an excellent service offered by BirthdayAlarm.com.
Please click on the following link for me and enter your name and birthday, it only takes a few seconds:
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Every night, Frank would go down to the liquor store, get a six-pack, bring it home, and drink it while he watched TV. One night, as he finished his last beer, the doorbell rang. He stumbled to the door and found a six-foot cockroach standing there. The bug grabbed him by the collar and threw him across the room, then left.
The next night, after he finished his 4th beer, the doorbell rang. He walked slowly to the door and found the same six-foot cockroach standing there. The big bug punched him in the stomach, then left.
The next night, after he finished his 1st beer, the doorbell rang again. The same six-foot cockroach standing there. This time he was knee'd in the groin and hit behind the ear as he doubled over in pain. Then he left.
The fourth night Frank didn't drink at all. The doorbell rang. The six-foot cockroach standing there. The bug beat the snot out of Frank and left him in a heap on the living room floor. The following day, Frank went to see his doctor. He explained the events of the preceding four nights. "What can I do?" he pleaded.
"Not much" answered the doctor. "There's just a nasty bug going around."
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TATER PEOPLE
Some people never seem motivated to participate, but are just content to
watch while others do the work.
They are called "Speck Taters".
Some people never do anything to help, but are gifted at finding fault with
the way others do the work.
They are called "Comment Taters".
Some people are very bossy and like to tell others what to do, but don't
want to soil their own hands.
They are called "Dick Taters".
Some people are always looking to cause problems by asking others to agree
with them. It is too hot or too cold, too sour or too sweet.
They are called "Agie Taters".
There are those who say they will help, but somehow just never get around
to actually doing the promised help.
They are called "Hezzie Taters".
Some people can put up a front and pretend to be someone they are not.
They are called "Emma Taters".
Then there are those who love others and do what they say they will. They
are always prepared to stop whatever they are doing and lend a helping
hand. They bring real sunshine into the lives of others.
They are called "Sweet Taters".
If you know any "Sweet Taters", send them this!
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