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Welcome to your next issue of
"Captain Wahoo's Manifesto"
The Literary Equivalent of a Shart
Date: September 4, 2004 Issue #3
Dan "Captain Wahoo" Riffle
captain@captainwahoo.com
http://www.captainwahoo.com
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IN THIS ISSUE
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=> This Week's Manifesto
=> The Interactive Top Ten
=> What Would You Say?
=> The Joke o' the Week
=> Ask the Warden
=> Feedback from Subscribers
=> This Week's Survey
=> Classified Ads
=> Subscribe/Unsubscribe information
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THIS WEEK'S MANIFESTO
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I am constantly amazed every time I read the newspaper.
The following quote is from the September 1, 2004 issue
of my hometown rag:
"The Murietta Valley Unified School District in North Carolina
has proposed that any student who says something unpleasant
about another student, rejects the friendship or company of
another student or excludes another student from a social group
be considered in violation of harassment guidelines, reports the
Chicago Sun-Times."
You've gotta be kidding me? That's just absurd.
Let's break this down, shall we?
- "Says something unpleasant"
Some poor kid in Murietta is going to be considered guilty of
*harassment* for calling Little Susy a poophead. Now, sure,
that's not very nice. Last I knew, however, not being nice
wasn't an indication of harassment. If so, I have been repeatedly
harassed by receptionist at my doctor's office. Gloriously and
unabashedly harassed.
What's going to happen to these coddled children when their
bosses call them idiots or a girlfriend asks if it's in yet?
Oh, yeah, they'll sue them for *harassment*. (Maybe the latter
can use the awarded damages for enlargement.)
What this portion of the district's "policy" doesn't take into
account is the possibility that the unpleasantries that are
said are true. What if Little Susy is, in fact, a poophead?
What if a student informs Little Tony that he has bad B.O.
because he has yet to learn to use deodorant? In this case,
who is really guilty of harassment? The kid who does Tony a
favor by telling him he stinks or Little Tony for forcing his
grungy pits on everyone?
- "Rejects the friendship or company of another student"
Choosing who you are friends with is now harassment. Example:
Bob: "So, wanna hang out after school?"
Jason: "No. You suck."*
Bob : "HARASSER! HARASSER!"
* This, by the way, would be double harassment because that
little bastard, Jason, rejected Bob's friendship and company
in an unpleasant way. He needs to be locked up before he
causes any more harm to society.
However, if you look at this policy from the other side,
the hot girl in class can't refuse to go out with you! If
she does, well, by golly, she's *harassing* you! I don't
know if this policy extends to the faculty. If so, you're
in like Flynn with the hot English teacher and those damn
low cut blouses that are constantly tempting you during rousing
in-class readings of "Atlas Shrugged."
- "Excludes another student from a social group"
I guess this only makes sense. If you aren't allowed to choose
your friends, why should you be allowed to decide who helps you
with the Spanish Club bake sale?
However, I don't think the AV club's going to have a
problem here. (Now that I've written that, my computer will
most likely be ravaged by computer viruses and all my appliances
will be reprogrammed to constantly flash 12:00.)
I understand that this policy was put in place to nurture
children's self-esteem. What's going to happen when it's
realized that self-esteem can't be nurtured if it isn't
*developed* first?
Call me an opinionated jack ass (go ahead, it wouldn't be the
first time...today), but this is going to be a dismal failure
and I hope it isn't adopted nationwide. If it is, what's going
to happen when the real world smashes its dirty boot in the face
of these children? When an employer decides to hire
someone else? When the deli counter person waits on someone
ahead of them even though our poor child (with his nurtured
self-esteem) was there first?
Oh yeah, he'll cry out, "Why don't you love me!" while
simultaneously calling his lawyer (he's on speed dial).
Then he'll drive to his parents house (he still lives there)
and have his mommy rub his tummy and rock him to sleep.
Got something to say about this week's Manifesto?
Voice your opinion on our forum here:
http://www.captainwahoo.com/modules.php?name=Forums
-----------------CHECK THIS OUT------------------
This is an ezine of an official Friend of Wahoo:
Liven up each weekday with the CheezZine. . .
Jokes, Cheezy Newz Briefs, Brain Teasers, & wild links galore!
Minimal to no editor-placed ads -- great jock prep
To subscribe, send blank e-mail to: cheez-subscribe@topica.com
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THE INTERACTIVE TOP TEN
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This Week's Interactive Top Ten:
Top Least Likely Plot Twists in the Friends' Spin Off Joey
the twins are actually Joey's offspring and they all come
looking for money from him (Dallas)
Joey actually is able to carry a whole show by himself
(The Warden)
In a weird twist playboy Joey comes out of the closet. (Heidi)
There actually is a plot to twist. (Xenon)
Mensa wants Joey! (Mary L)
Joey runs off to work for New Jersey governor as his
new fudge packer (Patricia)
(Patricia, by the way, is available for birthday parties and
bar mitzvahs.)
And speaking of butt play, here are three submissions from
Braisco, owner of The Daily Mind Picker:
A meaningful role for a black actor?
Joey finds it tough to keep up his front of being an actor
while trying to hide his life as a CIA hitman.
Guest star: Chuck Barris!
Joey makes a radio out of a coconut and some bamboo while
the Skipper and Mr Howell get Ginger Drunk and have her dance
bottomless.
Good effort this week.
Wanna be a part of the in crowd? Send in your own snappy
submissions to the Top Ten by hopping over to:
http://www.captainwahoo.com/modules.php?name=Top_Ten
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WHAT WOULD YOU SAY?
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Friedrich Nietzsche once said:
"Insanity in individuals is something rare - but in groups,
parties, nations and epochs, it is the rule."
You would say:
Insanity in individuals is something rare -
but in groups...
it is commonly known as Republicanism. (Tincanman)
(I think this could go either way after John Kerry's midnight
tirade Thursday night...)
it means access to some rocking good pharmaceuticals
(The Warden)
You better hope you're an individual. (Heidi)
it is a requirement for Congress. (CheezMistress)
you can't tell who's responsible for a fart. (Carolkemo)
(I think Patricia's trying to fool me by sending in submissions
under different names...)
We dress them the same and call them the US Olympic basketball
team. (Braisco)
"you can get lucky 9 times out of 10 (tincanman)
of individuals consuming vast amounts of alcohol, insanity is
necessary to survive the insanity. (Patricia)
(Hell, I feel drunk after reading that sentence...)
That's it for this week. Check out next weeks quote and
send in your submissions by visiting:
http://www.captainwahoo.com/modules.php?name=What_Would_You_Say
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THE JOKE O' THE WEEK
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Q: When does a cub become a boy scout?
A: When he eats his first Brownie.
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ASK THE WARDEN
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Dear Warden:
My save boxes always say .jpe instead of .jpg...
Do they hate me, or what?
Signed, Un-named
Dear Un-named:
In a word, yes.
***********************
Dear Warden:
I consider myself a macho kind of guy but the other day at work
we were introduced to our new boss. Over lunch most of my
co-workers seemed to think the new boss was a decent guy. I
added that I thought [he] seemed OK but that I was struck by
[his] "rugged good looks". The silence in the cafeteria was
deafening and I have been the target of some very nasty comments
ever since.
My question is whether or not my noticing how attractive the new
boss was is something I should worry about, as far gay feelings
go?
Signed, Confused man.
Dear Confused Man:
Society clearly looks cock-eyed (pun intended) at men who
appreciate the good looks of another man. When I notice and
comment on the beauty of another woman, the Captain smiles and
says, "OHHH, YEAH." The mere glimmer of possible lesbian action
allows for my ability to appreciate other hot chicks. You, as a
straight man, do not have that luxury.
I would not be worried about your noticing him, unless you start
having long and lingering lunches together, staring deeply into
your new boss's eyes, hoping his hand brushes yours. Then,
you've got concerns.
****************************
Dear Warden:
My hubby has a hairy back & butt; does the Captain? If not, do
you wanna swap?
Signed, Skulking Dawg
Dear Dawg:
I am happy to say that the Captain is without hair on the back
and butt. It was a requirement for me in a life-long partner.
I did end up with a shorter man than planned, but I was able to
overlook (!) it. For now, I will keep him'but we may revisit
this if your hubby is willing to wax!
Later, The Warden
Ask the Warden questions run from the serious to the
stupid. If it makes you feel better, the Warden is a
licensed counselor. (Take that "Dear Abby"!) Submit
your questions by going to:
http://www.captainwahoo.com/modules.php?name=Ask_The_Warden
**As all names are confidential, please submit your question
with a name of your choice (or we'll make up one for you).**
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FROM OUR READERS
(Or: Where the Captain takes a beating)
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I had an email from Patricia that I was going to use, but
I decided I don't want to abuse her too much just yet. I'll
save it for a week where I'm desperate for easy humor.
That and I think it's Be Nice to Senior Citizens Day.
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THIS WEEK'S SURVEY
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This week's survey was:
The Olympics should...
Be longer 7%
Have more sports involving wedgie picking 14%
Be shorter 29%
Make wedgie picking a medal event 50%
Is it bad that 43% more of you would rather see people
digging in their keisters than see an extended Olympics
schedule? If you ask me, that's a real *shitty* outlook to have.
(Snap!)
To partake in next week's survey, head over to:
http://www.captainwahoo.com . The survey is at the upper
right-hand corner.
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Subscriber Management / Contact Information
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Copyright 2004 - Dan Riffle All Rights reserved
http://www.captainwahoo.com
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