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WITNEWS Humor Weekly
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Issue #1, Vol. 5 for the Weeks of January 6/03 - Nutritionally
Sound Issue
© Copyright(c) Paul C. Vincent, all rights reserved 1998-2003
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BRAIN SLUDGE:
Yo, Witsters. Welcome to issue 1 of volume 5 - our Nutritionally Sound issue - it won't add anything to your waistline. We've been at this 5 years now. Questions we ask ourselves at this point include: what?, where?, who? We thank V. Barbarino for helping
us frame these insightful, soul searching questions. Over the next year, we'll dig deep into our humor consciousness and explore what these questions mean, why is there a '?' at the end of them, what about 'how?' or 'why?' or huh?, . In the meantime, please join with us again for the first time as we
begin our fifth year of exploring the humor inside the news. As a special note to all those who asked or wondered (and we're sorry we can't respond to all who wrote): yes, we had hoped to do a 'best of 2002" special issue, but got very tired thinking
about it (48 issues, 10 bits per issue equals 4800 total to go through) which was followed by the onset of a severe case of laziness after which we gave up. Then it hit us: All the issues from last year are actually archived at www.topica.com. This means you can see them for yourselves and relive those special moments from 2002 at your leisure. All free of charge.
How can it get any better than that? In the meantime, enjoy this week's issue.
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WITNEWS
Singer Diana Ross said she was trying to rent a video and got lost when she was stopped for allegedly driving under the influence. ~~Police became suspicious when Ross parked her car in the romance section of the video store. How did she manage
that? She took a right at the counter. ~~
http://www.infobeat.com/news/news_ent_1_010203.cfm
http://www.infobeat.com/news/news_ent_1_010203.cfm ">AOL Link
Heavy metal singer Ozzy Osbourne and his wife Sharon have renewed their wedding vows during a New Year's Eve party in Beverly Hills with music was provided by the 1970s group the Village People. ~~ 2003 prediction: this blatant support of disco (aka dance music)gets Ozzy ex-communicated from the rock world for crimes against rock and roll. ~~
http://www.infobeat.com/news/news_ent_3_010203.cfm
http://www.infobeat.com/news/news_ent_3_010203.cfm ">AOL Link
Two studies have concluded that global climate change has driven animals to move northward and shifted plants to bloom earlier in the spring. ~~ Said a Yukon resident, "That explains the alligator living in our igloo." ~~
http://cbc.ca/stories/2003/01/02/warming03010
http://cbc.ca/stories/2003/01/02/warming030102 ">AOL Link
The parents of a newborn claimed to be the world's first cloned human are balking on whether to allow DNA testing on the child, said the head of the cloning company that says it brought the baby to life.-USA Today. ~~Added the company's CEO: "We can't do anything until we remove the cables and other wires from our 'frankenchild'." In a show of support for lab-created children, Michael Jackson has offered to help in dangling the newborn. ~~
President Bush is expected to propose a package of tax cuts worth as much as $300 billion over 10 years. ~~ They'll take effect when he leaves office and mostly benefit ex-presidents. ~~
http://www.nytimes.com/2003/01/03/politics/03TAX.html?todaysheadlines
http://www.nytimes.com/2003/01/03/politics/03TAX.html?todaysheadlines
">AOL Link
Lovee Doll & Toy Co. of New York says it is cooperating with federal regulators in the recall of as many as 160,000 talking dolls because the dolls' buttons can come off and possibly become a choking hazard for infants and toddlers. -Today's Consumer
~~ Worse, if the dolls fall and hit the ground they can either explode into flames or issue a long diatribe of filthy language against the owner. ~~
According to a US Gallup poll the 'most admired women' were, equally, Hillary Rodham Clinton, Laura Bush and J. Lo while for the most admired men category, President George W. Bush remained the clear favorite for the second year in a row. ~~ Hmmm, 'most
admired women' sounds like an updated version of a Disney movie: "First Ladies and the Tramp." And for those questioning Bush coming in first again, there will apparently be no recounting of the ballots. ~~
http://www.infobeat.com/news/news_ent_3_123002.cfm
http://www.infobeat.com/news/news_ent_3_123002.cfm ">AOL Link
President George W. Bush placed reviving the ailing US economy, the war on terrorism, and disarming Iraqi leader Saddam Hussein atop his to-do list for 2003.-InfoBeat News ~~ Also on his to-do list: More me time: read another book like the sequel to "Hop on Pop"; Reduce job stress: review reasons for quitting
drinking; World domination: get that Powell fella to quit spoutin' foreign policy crap. ~~
Tiny, cheerful pandas sporting what appears to be a Nazi symbol were found in a festive Christmas cracker. ~~ They're from the 'White Supremacist' Xmas Collection. ~~
http://cbc.ca/stories/2002/12/30/swastika021230
http://cbc.ca/stories/2002/12/30/swastika021230 ">AOL
Link
A fossil of what may be the oldest, complex animal life ever found is offering paleontologists a window on what the world was like about 575 million years ago. ~~ In response, friends and family have asked scientists to please just leave Strom alone.~~
http://cbc.ca/stories/2002/12/30/fossil021230
http://cbc.ca/stories/2002/12/30/fossil021230 ">AOL Link
China successfully launched its fourth unmanned spacecraft which may be the final test before China sends astronauts into orbit. ~~ 2003 prediction #2: China sends up Justin Timberlake and the world issues a collective 'thank you'. ~~
http://cbc.ca/stories/2002/12/30/china_launch021230
http://cbc.ca/stories/2002/12/30/china_launch021230 ">AOL Link
The cost of a war with Iraq could be in the range of $50 billion to $60 billion, about the same as the 1991 Persian Gulf war. ~~ "I'm obligated, out of respect and inherited stupidity, to fight wars for the same cost as my Daddy," commented a smiling Geedubya. ~~
The tiny Northern California town of Bridgeville, a one time logging community whose history seemed richer than its present-day prospects, attracted a high bid of $1,777,877 through the eBay online auction site. ~~ eBay's a great site, for instance, under this same "Lost and hopeless causes" section you can also
find Kevin Costner's acting career. ~~
http://www.intelligentx.com/newsletters/technology/articles/story_tech5_123102.cfm
AOL Link
Pin-up ALYSSA MILANO has confirmed she and JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE are an item - and have been since JT's split with Britney. ~~ In addition to 'pin-up' Milano can now add "rebound girl" to her descriptors. ~~
http://www.intelligentx.com/newsletters/entertainment/articles/story_ent2_123102.cfm
AOL Link
Rocker OZZY OSBOURNE took a step closer to becoming a part of the British aristocracy - by topping a poll of the person most deserving of a knighthood. ~~ "Sir Ozzy" - pretty much a perfect British combination: it sounds Royal yet seems lower-class, too. ~~
http://www.intelligentx.com/newsletters/entertainment/articles/story_ent5_123102.cfm
AOL Link
The religious sect that claims to have produced the world's first human clone faced government inquiries in at least two countries, and a U.N. agency called for a worldwide ban on the procedure.-USA Today. ~~ With apologies to Mr. Ed: "A hoax is a hoax of course,
of course. And no-one can talk (of) a hoax of course - that is of course unless the hoaxer is the famous Raelians. Go right to the source and ask the hoaxer - (they'll) give you the answer that you endorse. (They're) always on a standing course - talk to the
Raelians!" ~~
A federal judge gave United Airlines final approval to tap $800 million in bankruptcy financing it needs to keep flying, but getting the other $700 million it needs in cash from lenders hinges on a complex set of steps falling into place in the next weeks and months.-USA Today. ~~ Steps include: passengers self-
boarding and self-bag checking; becoming the first airline to usepilotless planes; and, establishing a new form of transportation by taking the wings off their planes and creating 'supersonic buses'. ~~
Beginning New Year's Day, workers at US airports began screening every checked bag for explosives. -InfoBeat News. ~~ Once they get real good at screening checked bags they'll move on to screen bags of other colors. ~~
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Justin Timberlake confessed he still loves ex-girlfriend Britney Spears and may never recover from their bitter break-up. - InfoBeat News ~~ Scientists believe JT is suffering from a serious delusion since he also said he expects no repercussions from his current girl friend for saying this. ~~
By the summer of 2003, because 2 OF 5 CIGARETTE FIRE DEATHS ARE NON-SMOKERS, all cigarettes sold in New York state must be self-extinguishing, a move designed to reduce the number of fires caused by carelessly handled cigarettes that keep burning without being puffed. ~~ The self-extinguishing cigs are expected
to be a big hit with practical jokers. ~~
http://cbc.ca/stories/2002/12/31/Consumers/cigarettes_fires021231
http://cbc.ca/stories/2002/12/31/Consumers/cigarettes_fires021231 ">AOL
Link
There's no evidence to support the existence of a mummy's curse haunting King Tut's tomb. ~~ Said a scientist who then came down with a mysterious illness and died. ~~
http://cbc.ca/stories/2002/12/31/mummy_curse021231
http://cbc.ca/stories/2002/12/31/mummy_curse021231 ">AOL
Link
Brazil inaugurated Luiz Inacio Lula da Silva its 36th president marking the first transition between democratically elected presidents in 40 years. ~~ We were going to say something funny about Brazil here, but because they got mad at "The Simpsons" when that tv-show made fun of Brazil last year, we've decided
not to say anything about a country that has no sense of humor. ~~
http://cbc.ca/stories/2003/01/01/brazil_lula030101
http://cbc.ca/stories/2003/01/01/brazil_lula030101 ">AOL Link
Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist, R-Tenn., is being asked by an animal advocacy group to support legislation for better animal treatment to make up for fraudulently adopting cats from animal shelters then experimenting on and killing them while he was a medical student. ~~ In his defense, Frist says
he hardly does this anymore. ~~
http://www.infobeat.com/news/news_gov_2_010203.cfm
http://www.infobeat.com/news/news_gov_2_010203.cfm ">AOL Link
Antonio Banderas, a Spanish actor, has caused a mini-rebellion by playing Pancho Villa, a man who hated Spaniards and Americans, in a new film about the Mexican revolutionary. ~~ What's worse, due to costs, the film will be made entirely in Toronto, Canada,
standing in for the rugged Mexican countryside .~~
http://www.infobeat.com/news/news_ent_2_010303.cfm
http://www.infobeat.com/news/news_ent_2_010303.cfm">AOL LINK
HOT GlossyNews.com STORY OF THE WEEK:
A banker from the UK has shocked the entertainment world by announcing his engagement to Britney Spears. Richard Less, or Dick to his friends, has managed to ensnare the busty diva by persuading her to kiss him under the mistletoe. More... @
http://glossynews.com/121902/pagantoe.htm
http://glossynews.com/121902/pagantoe.htm ">AOL Link
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